Day 37 Without Anxiety
Celebrating my Birthday
What's The Challenge?
To celebrate my birthday by doing different activities.
Why The Anxiety?
A few things happened around my birthday, and one year, I had a breakdown. Every year since I've struggled to celebrate my birthday, It was just a reminder of what happened. (It may sound dramatic but It's a major contribution to my anxiety) Through CBT, talking therapies and my 100 Days Without Anxiety Challenge, I've built my confidence and self-worth back up. The past couple of years I've tried to get back into celebrating my birthday by doing smaller things, (eg. going to a garden centre or a family meal). The social pressures online don't help, I would put myself down for the fact that I couldn't make plans for my birthday and found it difficult to socialise. This year I'm fighting myself to celebrate my birthday and trying not to care what anyone thinks. I'm worried I won't succeed and that today will be another birthday gone wrong. Does Anyone else get anxious for a birthday or a particular Holiday? Does anyone feel like they have to do something because of societal pressures or social media?
Anxiety before? 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕
The week before my birthday I started to get insomnia and had nightmares and bad dreams about previous events. I was obviously worried about my birthday and not being able to maintain my regular sleeping pattern was making me tired and agitated (I'm sure I was a joy to be around). I contemplated organising a party, a big dinner or an activity with friends, In the end, I couldn't decide and so I just organised a few plans with family, and to do a couple of activities by myself. The fact that I had eliminated certain social pressures eased my anxieties but I still had to deal with symptoms of PTSD I could feel creeping in. I would love to give advice on how to cope with these but I don't really know, I tried my best to relax and to watch and read 'happy' things to perk my mood up.
Anxiety During? 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕⭕⭕
As soon as I woke up I sighed, I didn't want to have to get out of bed, I did not want to have to do my birthday. Is it possible to sleep for a whole 24 hours and wake up the day after my birthday instead? I knew today was going to be difficult but honestly, I already felt like I wanted to cry and hide away from the world, I really struggle on my birthday. The fact that I have set myself a challenge for today and that I have to walk and feed my dog are the only reasons I found the strength to get out of bed. After sorting out those bits I decided to research hairdressers and find out when and if there were appointments available (should have organised this before, but didn't think to) there were a couple of appointments available late afternoon, as long as I managed my time well I'd be able to do everything I wanted to do. I set out to bake myself a cake, a three-tier pink ombre vanilla and raspberry birthday cake (simple sponge should have been fine but nooo, I had to go one step further, didn't I?), I took inspiration from The Little Blog of Vegan. Baking is one of the few things that relaxes me completely, it's like I zone out of the rest of the world in a trance-like a state and fully concentrate on the task at hand. I'm pleased to say that it turned out okay and that I actually felt less anxious about the rest of the day, almost happy even.
The happy vibes didn't last long, after ringing the hairdressers to double check the availability they no longer had any appointments, and I started to tear up. By missing one thing off my list, one thing I had planned and made time for, the sudden change in my plan unsettled me and I couldn't think straight for about 5 minutes. I decided to focus on my cake again, so I set about decorating it with some buttercream icing. Once, the cake was decorated and placed in the fridge, I decided to check cinema times, I had 10 minutes to get to the cinema before the next showing. I hurried to get ready double checking I had everything before leaving the house and triple checking I had locked the door (did I mention I'm overly anxious today?).
I arrived (technically late, but in reality, I just missed the trailers) with a little time to spare before the start of the film. As I'm about to pay I reach into my bag for my card and can't feel it there, where is it? I search intently taking items out of my bag onto the desk to find it, still not there, I check and double check my bag and every pocket I can feel in my clothes... nothing. poop! (still keeping it PG guys). I can feel the panic seep in, my head feels light, hot tears roll down my cheeks before I realise I'm crying and basically hyperventilating at the cash desk in the cinema (classy).
I confined in the concerned looking female employee in front of me that I think I may, in fact, be having a panic attack, that I forgot my card even though I double checked it was in there before I left the house and now have no idea where my card or for that matter my ID is, that it's my birthday, which is a difficult day for me because of past events and that my other plans had fallen through, and that I couldn't believe I couldn't even go to the cinema properly. Essentially I was starting to have a breakdown, I felt like the biggest pile of poo you could think of (thankfully there were no other customer around to see this only the employee and her colleague), before I could say any more (did I really have anymore to say? why have I not left yet, why am I still standing here crying like a lemon?). Like an Angel sent from heaven she says: "That's ok, I completely understand, I have anxiety too. This happens more often than you think, just take a second, gather your thoughts, and know that it's ok to feel like this", her words, like magic, calm me down almost instantaneously, we work out a method of using my loyalty card and before you know I'm going to watch the film, ticket in hand with a overwhelming sense of embarrassment (for my ridiculous outburst) and gratitude to the most wonderful human being on this planet (I left her a review online straight after).
After the film, I made my way home, still embarrassed and annoyed at myself and worried someone had stolen my card and ID. As soon as I open the front door I see my card and ID on the side ready and waiting for me to pick them up, I had left them at home (well I feel like a boob, and majorly embarrassed, and confused, we all remember I double checked my bag right?).
When dinner time rolled up I couldn't stomach going to a restaurant as planned, the way my day had gone I felt like the world would implode if I attempted something else today, but I didn't want to miss out so we settled by taking out from a restaurant and eating it in the comfort of home (I love that this is an option).
We opened presents and ate cake and I cried a little as I explained my day of failures and embarrassments, and how I was ever so grateful for the things that went ok, the cake was more than edible, actually visually appealing and delicious, the cinema lady (aka my fairy godmother) and my wonderful supporting family. I don't think I've ever been happier for a challenge or a day to end.
The happy vibes didn't last long, after ringing the hairdressers to double check the availability they no longer had any appointments, and I started to tear up. By missing one thing off my list, one thing I had planned and made time for, the sudden change in my plan unsettled me and I couldn't think straight for about 5 minutes. I decided to focus on my cake again, so I set about decorating it with some buttercream icing. Once, the cake was decorated and placed in the fridge, I decided to check cinema times, I had 10 minutes to get to the cinema before the next showing. I hurried to get ready double checking I had everything before leaving the house and triple checking I had locked the door (did I mention I'm overly anxious today?).
I arrived (technically late, but in reality, I just missed the trailers) with a little time to spare before the start of the film. As I'm about to pay I reach into my bag for my card and can't feel it there, where is it? I search intently taking items out of my bag onto the desk to find it, still not there, I check and double check my bag and every pocket I can feel in my clothes... nothing. poop! (still keeping it PG guys). I can feel the panic seep in, my head feels light, hot tears roll down my cheeks before I realise I'm crying and basically hyperventilating at the cash desk in the cinema (classy).
I confined in the concerned looking female employee in front of me that I think I may, in fact, be having a panic attack, that I forgot my card even though I double checked it was in there before I left the house and now have no idea where my card or for that matter my ID is, that it's my birthday, which is a difficult day for me because of past events and that my other plans had fallen through, and that I couldn't believe I couldn't even go to the cinema properly. Essentially I was starting to have a breakdown, I felt like the biggest pile of poo you could think of (thankfully there were no other customer around to see this only the employee and her colleague), before I could say any more (did I really have anymore to say? why have I not left yet, why am I still standing here crying like a lemon?). Like an Angel sent from heaven she says: "That's ok, I completely understand, I have anxiety too. This happens more often than you think, just take a second, gather your thoughts, and know that it's ok to feel like this", her words, like magic, calm me down almost instantaneously, we work out a method of using my loyalty card and before you know I'm going to watch the film, ticket in hand with a overwhelming sense of embarrassment (for my ridiculous outburst) and gratitude to the most wonderful human being on this planet (I left her a review online straight after).
After the film, I made my way home, still embarrassed and annoyed at myself and worried someone had stolen my card and ID. As soon as I open the front door I see my card and ID on the side ready and waiting for me to pick them up, I had left them at home (well I feel like a boob, and majorly embarrassed, and confused, we all remember I double checked my bag right?).
When dinner time rolled up I couldn't stomach going to a restaurant as planned, the way my day had gone I felt like the world would implode if I attempted something else today, but I didn't want to miss out so we settled by taking out from a restaurant and eating it in the comfort of home (I love that this is an option).
We opened presents and ate cake and I cried a little as I explained my day of failures and embarrassments, and how I was ever so grateful for the things that went ok, the cake was more than edible, actually visually appealing and delicious, the cinema lady (aka my fairy godmother) and my wonderful supporting family. I don't think I've ever been happier for a challenge or a day to end.
Anxiety After? 🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕
As I got into bed that evening I paused and took a minute to reflect on the day, sure not everything went the way I wanted to but in a way, I still achieved what I had set out to do. I put myself down a lot, and more so when it comes to big events, important dates and holidays, and I didn't want to do it again today, so I focused on the positives, I got up, I got ready, I walked my dog. I didn't get my hair cut but I did do my research and found a cruelty free hairdressers and can make an appointment tomorrow. I went to the cinema and saw a film I absolutely loved, I didn't feel up to eating out but I still got to eat delicious restaurant food by taking out (I love this option at restaurants, look into it if you have major anxiety in restaurants) and I was surrounded by people that I love. That's a pretty good day in my eyes and one step closer to getting back into celebrating my birthday.
Update?
I did get my haircut the next day and love my new hair, and the fact it was all cruelty-free is fabulous. I haven't had a Birthday since I know I post these challenges later but I'm definitely not posting a year late! I'm hoping to make plans with friends for my birthday next year and who knows I may even blog about it too.
If you have any Challenge Ideas; Please comment down below and let me know.
Thanks for Reading
xo
Enjoy Day 37? Why not Read Day 36?
Struggling with Mental Health?
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