Day 12 Without Anxiety
Beach Day
What's the Challenge?
Spend the afternoon at the beach wearing a bikini.
Why the Anxiety?
It’s Saturday, beaches are packed on Saturday, especially on one of the hottest days the year, which means big crowds and not a lot of places to escape or run to. You may not have noticed but big crowds are not really my thing. I’ll be wearing a bikini! I cannot remember the last time I wore a bikini… (i’m thinking… no nothing…) I have spent most of my time covering myself up (which is very hard to do in warmer weather.. Hello maxi everything!). I’m essentially going to be in my underwear, naked for everyone on the beach to see. It’s no secret that I am insecure and my body is one of the things I am rather insecure about, avoiding mirrors and wearing the baggiest Items of clothing I know, this is the next step on from the Dress Challenge and the Shorts Challenge. Whilst I have a feeling I’m not going to get cat-callers or car beeps on the beach I will be very self-conscious. I also have a fear of deep water and so swimming in the sea, is something I would love to avoid but also want to push myself to tackle today, This may be my biggest Challenge yet!!
Anxiety Before? 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕
Bikini sorted and I’m so glad I shaved and prepped yesterday, that would have been a nightmare to do today! I cannot decide what to wear!! Like I said Bikini is sorted but what do you wear over the bikini, I must have tried on at least 12 different outfits and even contemplated wearing jeans. This whole time I’m sweating a ridiculous amount (the heat and this anxiety symptom are not a good mix), shaking as I dress myself, panicking about every minute detail, making sure all the electronics I needed were charged, why did I not charge these overnight? I’m sure I’m going to be late!! To give you an Idea of how I worry too much about every situation most people's beach bags: phone, towel, something to sit on, a book and sun-cream, right? My beach bag: phone, camera (for vlogging), sunscreen, Aloe Vera after sun, large bottle of water, couple of snacks, flip flops for the beach, kindle, power bank charger, towel, extra towel (just in case and to wipe messy/sandy hands on before eating), a couple of hats, wipes, hand sanitizer, plasters, scissors, headphones and a spare pair, a longer top (for later on/ if it gets cold), sunglasses, deodorant (did I mention the sweating?), umbrella (just in case) etc. Essentially a suitcase, for any ‘just in case’ situation. The girls laughed at how much I thought I needed to bring with me and we had a good catch up on the way there. This didn’t stop me from feeling nauseous, shaking and feeling tight chested and breathless, the windows down and a massive bottle of water helped loads, thank goodness I remembered to pack my inhaler. As we got closer to the beach my nerves kept getting worse and I felt more uncomfortable in what I was wearing.
Anxiety During? 🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕
After the initial anxious bloat, it’s almost as if my anxiety was is a balloon, the more I built up to it and presented the beach as a danger to myself the more the balloon expanded and inflated, once I got to the beach I felt ready to pop and have a panic attack. However when i got there and realised, drum roll please, everyone one else was in swimwear and most women were wearing bikinis the balloon started to deflate. The beach was also not as packed as I had been dreading, with the Sand Polo event happening a mile or so away we were all pleasantly surprised at how empty the beach was and I began to relax a little more and the balloon of anxiety deflated once again. Now don’t get me wrong the balloon was never fully deflate; revealing my bikini bod to the beach was not something I coped with very well initially, but the girls were a massive help, and to be honest with you it was just too hot for clothes, I don’t remember seeing a single cloud in the sky! I also cheated a little using going for a dip in the sea as an excuse to cover up and then being able to wrap my towel around myself meant I could hide away from the world a little. When a group of guys come over to borrow some of our sun-cream, I couldn’t even make eye contact with them, I must have seemed so rude and was so grateful for the girls being there, I was just scared I didn’t want to talk to a male stranger whilst sat here in a bikini, I felt very vulnerable and self conscious and again wanted to hide away!
My confidence definitely started to grow as the day went on, we sunbathed, played cards, read books, chatted and swam the afternoon away. (I didn't swim very far, mostly where my feet could touch the seabed, but it's a start.). By the end of the day I was confident enough to film a little bit more in my bikini, didn’t care when more people needed a little sun-cream and wasn’t phased when people started playing ball games around us. I was never fully relaxed on the beach but I was feeling more comfortable and able to switch off from a little from the constant worries. I was even able to ask one of the strangers, if they wouldn't mind taking a pic of us girls. I’m proud of myself and surprised at my own level of confidence, I feel like I’m in control again and I’m taking a peek at the person I can become.
Anxiety After? 🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕
Ridiculously proud of myself and so were the girls. They also couldn’t believe I asked a stranger to take a pic of us and admitted they probably wouldn’t have asked themselves. IT’s so nice to be able to go on part of this journey with them and they tell me that they can already see just how far I have come along and how this process is helping me. If I wasn’t on this past and completing my 100 Days without Anxiety, I probably would not have gone to the beach this year and I definitely would not have worn a Bikini. My anxiety simmered down to a sizzle and I felt relaxed on the drive back home, granted I still had little niggling thoughts of anxiety but I was able to decipher the irrational worries and put them to bed. I had just had a fabulous afternoon and tackled so many of my worries and fears in one afternoon, the weather was glorious, the company was fabulous, and I Laughed a ridiculous amount.
Update?
I went back to the beach!! On a warmish but windy day, I texted Lucy, asking if she was free and if she fancied a visit to the beach and dip in the sea, I didn’t really need to ask that question, I already knew the answer. On our way there the heavens opened, but once we had arrived the sky had cleared and despite the wind, we walked a good five miles to find the perfect spot on the beach. The wind was a crisp cold and so we only donned our swimwear for a dip and it was too rough for me to feel comfortable swimming so we decided to jump to waves instead. It was warmer in the water than outside, after a quick dry, and a five mile walk back past the newly created sand sculptures, we ended up ordering food in a bar ( me, just casually eating out!!??? Go ME!!), I was so relaxed all of the way home and super proud at just how much my confidence has grown, and how determined I am to dare and win against my anxiety. If you have any challenge Ideas, Please comment down below and let me know and remember to check out the video!
Thanks for reading
xo
Struggling with Mental Health?
Helpful Links:
Infoline: 03000 123 3393
Call: 111 for urgent needs
Thanks for reading
xo
Struggling with Mental Health?
Helpful Links:
Infoline: 03000 123 3393
Call: 111 for urgent needs
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