Day 26 Without Anxiety

Therapy



What's The Challenge?
Going to a Counselling Therapy Session.

Why The Anxiety?
Going to therapy is usually part of a mental illness recovery process. Therapy is as wide a category as mental health itself, there are many different variations of therapy. I have already gone through Cognitive behavioural therapy, which treats the symptoms of your anxiety and helps you to get back into a daily routine, and push yourself towards 'normal life' and tackles the anxiety symptoms head on. Talking therapies, such as counselling work in the way of exploring your feelings, sentiments and past experiences. When undergoing counselling you have to trust the person you are talking to, you have to open up and allow them to get to know you. It's nerve-racking just thinking about it, I find it very difficult to trust people or to open up to people. I've also had a negative experience with Talking therapies before, I felt I was dismissed and often felt more self-conscious leaving the therapists than I did going in. My bad experience means I stayed away from talking therapies and tried getting better by my self, until now.

Anxiety before? 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕
I'm really worried I will have a similar experience to before, I'm worried I will not get taken seriously, or that I will be told to just get over what has happened to me (both have happened before). I'm worried I won't like the lady and I'm worried she won't like me. I'm honestly dreading every second of the hour I am going to have to spend talking about myself and reliving past events that I have tried so hard to forget. I want to cry. I am nauseous, but this time I genuinely feel like I might be sick, I feel physically ill, I feel awful, and the worst part is I don't know if I'm actually coming down with something or if this is just my anxiety. I try eating and I physically cannot swallow anything. I head back to bed to try and nap, or calm down, at the moment nothing is working. After a little while, I managage to swallow a few pieces of banana, which is all I can eat. I managed to calm myself down after a nap and a full 15 minutes of mindful breathing. I piece together a simple outfit and hobble along to the taxi (did I mention I have a broken toe?).

Anxiety During? 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕⭕
Therapy, talking therapy means you have to talk, about yourself, your background and events that have happened, and how this has changed, shaped and affected you. I find it difficult to trust people (because of past events) and here I am sat in front of a stranger and I'm expected to bare myself to them, have all my cards out on the table and let them analyse me. How do I trust the person in front of me? How do I know they have my best interest in mind? How do I know what I say won't go any further?
One of the first things I have to do once in the therapist's room is to sign a consent form and a confidentiality agreement. OnceI have signed both I know my therapist is legally bound to keep our conversations private, (unless they believe I intend to harm myself or others). The legality and confidentiality form can only do so much with a person's trust, I don't actually know if this person is trustworthy. As the time ticks through our first session I find that I am on doing most of the talking, and the conversation is only interrupted to guide it or to ask a question. I feel comfortable enough with this person to divulge somethings in my life that not even my closest know about me, but do not divulge everything, I keep certain cards to myself. I feel a surge of emotions that I do not know how to control, I feel very overwhelmed and I'm not sure how to cope, it hurts. I begin to explain this to my therapist and it's within those minutes of talking about these different emotions that I realise I like this therapist, and I feel as though she understands me. I think I may have finally found the right therapist for me.

Anxiety After? 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴⭕⭕
In a way, I feel relieved, In another way, I feel like poop. I have finally been able to open up about situations in my past that still give me nightmares, I've been able to talk to someone who understands my situation my symptoms and I feel I have somewhere I can go to talk. On the other hand, I have brought everything up again, I'm worried the nightmares will come back and I can already feel the depression seeping in. I have talked, I have opened up, and now I'm supposed to go on living, with no idea how to control all the emotions, memories and vulnerability I am experiencing. How? You wouldn't expect a patient to have heart surgery and then go on living with a hole in their chest, or leave the wound open? You'd expect a helping hand, to be stitched up and be given aftercare instructions. Therapy does not come with aftercare instructions. I'm sure if I'm more aware or lost than I was before.

Update?
Therapy helps. It takes finding the right therapist and the months on different waiting lists but finding the right therapist is what I'd imagine actually finding what a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow would feel like. I have been seeing my therapist regularly since this first time and our relationship has grown, I value her opinion, input, advice and safe space. I still struggle occasionally with after the therapy session when you leave the room and go back into the world. As I said above; 'therapy doesn't come with aftercare instructions' and for good reason, every person is an individual, we all have a different background, a different story and different levels of mental illness, which means our aftercare will have to be tailor-made for and by ourselves. It does get easier, it took me several times of feeling ill and actually being physically ill and being very late before I became comfortable going to therapy. I would highly recommend therapy to anyone, even if you don't have a mental illness, even if your not on a path of self-discovery having a therapist is very useful and empowering.


N.B. This challenge has been the hardest challenge for me to look back on, for me to watch, edit and type up. It has possibly been the most rewarding challenge for long-term significance, and my recovery process, I continue to speak to my therapist and respect and appreciation her. This was still the hardest one I have opened up about it feels very raw and I'll admit it makes me uncomfortable to talk about. (still not sure if I want to upload a video for this challenge yet, I'll let you know if I do.)

 If you have any Challenge Ideas; Please comment down below and let me know.
Thanks for Reading
xo

Enjoy Day 26? Why not see Day 25?

Struggling with Mental Health?
Helpful Links:
    Infoline: 03000 123 3393
    Call: 111 (for urgent needs)
    Helpline: 116 123 (UK & ROI)

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